Reason # 473289478 why MJ is more dope than you

I don't care what anyone says about Michael Joseph Jackson. This right here is proof positive that he was just like the rest of us. I love you Mike. R.I.P. <3

it's better to have loved and lost?

Whoever said that mess must have been a bigger sucker for love than I am. Given the choice, I would rather have never loved someone at all, than to love them and have it go unrequited or to have the feeling be mutual then all of a sudden, POOF! it's gone..

I've never been guilty of trying to ruin relationships before they start. I'm usually a go with the flow kinda person. You know, let the chips fall where they may. However, recent events with my ex have caused me to take my blinders off and throw on my super X-Ray glasses... The ones that apparently only work 60% of the time every time. I got blindsided by him and I refuse to let that happen again because let's face it, I loved and lost and that shit hurt me to the core. So now, I'm trying to love [or in my current situation, 'like'] without losing and furthermore I'm trying to see the loss before it even happens. But, in doing that, I've become paranoid and presumptuous. I've become scared. I used to laugh in the face of danger and now I'm quietly backing away at the first sign of conflict. No bueno. I almost lost a really good friend and possible future ex boyfriend [i kid, i kid.. about the ex part, not the bf] with those actions.

A friend once told me, stop being a punk ass punk and get my shit together because i'm selling myself short. This same friend also told me that by spending the rest of my life being scared to take chances on someone I truly like because of being hurt ONE time, I will end up missing out on some really great people and possibly even that ONE really great person that I could spend a lifetime with. I appreciated the latter comment more than the first but they both apply lol.

Long story short, I learned that I can't go around being a punk and running from my feelings for the rest of my life. Love and relationships are all about growing and learning. Sometimes you stay with the first person you're with and sometimes it takes a whole lot of trying and failing before you actually get it right and find the person that's good for you. Either way, you gotta take a chance or else you'll never know. And I refuse to be the weird old lady with 25 cats just because I was too scared to take chances on love back in my prime.

So, although I still think whoever said, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is a fool and somewhat of a possible glutton for punishment, I see where they're coming from and I'm not gonna run anymore. It would really suck to miss out on someone amazing just because I was too scared to take a chance and believe that if it's meant to be, it will be. Yea, heartbreak hurts like hell but, the feeling of love makes up for it and more. Besides, without the intensity of pain that heartbreak brings, we'd never be able to truly appreciate the magnitude of joy that is felt with love.

"...Yet if I could do it all over again, I'd do it in the same skin I'm in.

To lay down and let love die, just stay down and let love lie

No, no, no, no, not I.

I'll stay around and let love fly.

Even though I've seen its darkest form; deceit

Nothing else could taste this warm or feel this sweet."

-excerpt, Big Rube "Love's Deceit"

R.I.P. Michael J. Jackson [1958-2009]

I'm a day late. However, it's for a good reason. I wanted to speak on the passing of Michael but I wanted to have the perfect words to say. I wanted my words to be as amazing and groud breaking as he was. But, then I realized that there are no words that will EVER fully describe the way I feel about this man. However, I feel that as long as the words I DO type come from my heart, then they ARE perfect.

I'm an avid Michael Jackson fan [and not because we share the same surname]. I remember growing up hearing his music in my household. "Bad" was released in 1987 when I was a mere 3 years old but I remember my mom blasting his album as her and I would dance around and sing along [even tho I didn't know the words and did more laughing than singing]. I didn't realize then how influential Michael would be to the entire population of the world and even myself.

As I got older, I continued to listen to him. I attended a dance school from the ages of 3 - 18. Growing up in the theater we put on many performances [recitals] and performed in many dance competitions. I distinctly remember performing routines to songs such as "Man In The Mirror", "Smooth Criminal", "Billie Jean" and "The Way You Make Me Feel". Michael was everywhere i went. I started to listen to him more and more and even backtracked to his earlier albums "Thriller" and "Off The Wall" which were both before my time but nonetheless entertaining and amazing in my eyes.

Then, I remember the first time I heard the tracks "They Don't Really Care About Us" and "Black or White". Those tracks single handedly opened my eyes to issues that honestly, I hadn't really thought much about until then. "You Are Not Alone" and "Scream" became songs that I would listen to when I was going through things that I just couldn't find the words to express. Somehow, listening to Michael made me feel that someone understood what I was going through. They touched my heart, brought tears to my eyes and exposed me to my own feelings. I had plenty of moments of self-realization listening to his music. He was therapy for my soul.

Michael was TRULY the "King of Pop". His style influenced so many of the great musicians that came after him. To this day, artists STILL emulate his style of dancing. Some of our favorite artists can be heard saying that he was one of their idols. He molded the genre of pop music into what it is today. He set the bar.

But, there was more to him than just fancy dance moves and music that made your body rock. He had a message. EVERY song of his carried with it an important message. He used his music for more than just entertainment. He used his music to teach and to spread awareness to the masses. Michael Jackson had a powerful voice and he used his star power to teach others love & acceptance. He used his star power to break down barriers between cultures. He used his star power for more than just a paycheck.

To this day, i respect and honor this man... and I always will. Yea, he was a little on the eccentric side. Who isn't nowadays? I wish people could be like me and look PAST the weird stunts that he pulled and look into the heart of an amazing man who's only fault was being who HE wanted to be. Despite whatever charges were filed against him [charges that NEVER stuck], despite the gradually changing appearance, despite the sometimes weird and unexplainable actions, he was a great man... a legend.. and he's done a lot for the people of this world. He gave inspiration and hope to people and cultures who had none. He shed light on issues that needed to be brought to the forefront of peoples attention but most of all, he spread happiness and joy to the hearts & lives of billions of people around the world.. all cities, states and countries. He was truly loved and I can only pray that he passed with as much happiness in his heart as he has provided to ours.

I love you Michael, you'll never be forgotten and although I hate to let you go, I'm more than grateful to be able to have lived in a world with you.

R.I.P. Michael Joseph Jackson <3

P.S. I leave you with one of his most powerful messages, "If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change.."

Testing

Just testing out blogger mobile to see if it's going to work.

aint nobody using these..

so, anyone who's on twitter knows about the insane amount of artists tryna get exposure by promoting their mixtapes/bands/myspace pages/etc.. normally when i get hit up by these people asking me to "check out my new single.. it's DOPE!" i give em the *side eye* and ask them if they think i'm Clive Davis's daughter who can get them a deal if i'm feelin their shit. i'm not a huge fan of local artists or people on the come up because, let's face it, 80%... no... 90% of the time, their music is booty butt cheeks =|.

however...

there's always an exception to the rule and i think i have found him. his name is Jadin Shropshire but he goes by J.S & in my opinion, he's the next hottest thing in beatmaking. i wouldn't be surprised if he became your favorite producers, favorite producer someday soon. anyway, i met him on twitter and he was very unlike the other music pushers that you meet on that site. he was very humble and had an extremely warm personality. altho he provided links to zshare downloads of his music, he never seemed too thirsty to have people listen to his joints which made them that much more appealing. so, i requested some downloads [cuz anyone who knows me knows i'm a instrumental/beat junkie] & i heard 4 or 5 of his joints and i kid you not, i developed a crush on his beats =]. yesterday [actually, this morning near 1am] he dropped a beat cd titled "Ain't Nobody Using These". it's free for download via zshare and of course i got it the minute he uploaded it lol. i listened to it about 50 times already and i can definitely say with confidence that dude is kind of a problem.. and YES, you can quote me on that. i'm not a music expert but my ears know what they like and right now, they're feeling J.S.'s production.

so, enough babbling, i suggest you check this drop out. i put it on my life that you won't be disappointed.

p.s. you can holler @ him on myspace and twitter to show him your love and support or if you have any inquiries about projects [serious inquiries only]. and no, i'm not an A & R, just a chick with a passion for good music and anyone who's good @ making it =].

J.S. - Ain't Nobody Using These

DOWNLOAD

1. The Creep Up [3:12]

2. Catch Me If You Can [3:38]

3. 95 Style [2:22]

4. Set Us Free [4:28]

5. Dope Soundtrack To Heaven [3:55]

6. F.R.E.E. [1:43]

7. Inspiration For Today's Lesson [4:43]

8. The Way I Feel [4:36]

9. Beyond This [3:08]

10. She's Teasing you [3:38]

11. The Ways Of Love [2:16]

12. No One Else [4:39]

13. And We Just Broke Up [3:15]

14. My New Ring [1:12]

15. The Introduction [2:40]

16. Just Landed [2:25]

17. Nursery [2:38]

18. Jadin's Theme [3:19]

19. Destroyer [1:14]

20. Mint Chocolate Chip [4:00]

21. California Sunshine In New York [3:50]

22. Be My Fool [4:22]

23. Maybe Someday [3:43]

24. The Soul [4:11]

25. Girl Play Me Suttin [1:07]

26. The Green Snap [3:29]

27. 4Eva We Together [3:01]

28. Riot Time [2:44]

29. Oreo [4:20]

30. It's So Epic Revisited [1:16]

31. My Wife Just Floatin [4:00]

32. Tell Me [4:54]

33. Special Things [3:18]

Enjoy!

it's a girl!

sooo, i know i been slackin on this blog thing but eh, whaddya gonna do?

if you're reading this, i'm sure u know about how i swallowed a baby approximately 32 weeks ago. well, i just found on on june 9th that it's a baby girl =D. this might be a horrible thing to say but i was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be a boy because i wanted/needed a princess so badly. after the passing of my daughter, i honestly didn't even think i would want to get pregnant again but, i did and now that i know it's a girl, i feel like i'm being given a second chance at motherhood. of course i'm scared to death because of my previous loss but the excitement is definitely overshadowing the fear at this point.

now all that's left is to wait. i look @ the ultrasound pictures of her face everyday. they did them in 4D so they look like real portraits and therefore do a lot to help ease the anxiousness of waiting for her to get here. i also finally picked out a name. Kayliana Sarai. Sarai means "princess" in Hebrew. not sure if there's any meaning for the name Kayliana but i like the way it sounds sooo.. there we have it lol. her birthday is supposed to be on August 6th but i'm sure she'll have a mind of her own [like her sister] and come whenever SHE feels accceptable lol..

as for me and Kayliana's dad, eh.. we don't really speak that often anymore. everytime we do speak, we fight/argue about something dumb. i'm just waiting for the day he tried to deny her. i swear, all HELL gonna break loose.

i just wanted to come on here and update a little bit tho since i been gone for so long. i forget how therapeutic blogging can be. plus, i have a paper journal that i use to collect my thoughts so this online one gets negleted sometimes lol. sorrrrry! i'll do better tho.

don't talk about it, be about it...

lemme preface this post by saying that i am in no way exactly where i need/want to be in life and i'm far from perfect. i make mistakes too and i sometimes complain about shit way more than i should. this post isn't directed at anyone in particular however, if the shoe fits, wear it.

i'm tired of hearing people my age range [21-30] complain about how fucked up their life is and how broke they are and how they could have "made it in life" had it not been for [insert bullshit ass excuse here]. and the thing that kills me is, they do all this complaining as they're lighting their 3rd blunt/crackin open their 5th beer in a row and sitting on their ass wasting away a perfectly good weekday that could be spent job hunting or at least doing something that would put them closer to whatever goal it is that they say they're trying to reach.

*rolling eyes*

listen, first of all, you're grown. start taking responsibility for your own damn actions. you say you have always aspired to do this or be that and now that the time is here, you're no closer to achieving those goals than you were when you made them at the tender age of 14 or 15. then you wanna have a pity party and have people feel sorry for poor little you by telling them how messed up your family situation was/is or how you're too broke to make a move or how you have no moral support and therefore lack motivation. smh.. how about you stop blaming other people for your lack of success, put down the fuckin blunt, and DO SOMETHING to change the situation.

okay, i grew up in a fucked up family situation. it wasn't all rainbows and cupcakes in my house and i had a hard time in school. however, i graduated high school and if you did too then your family situation SHOULD NOT be used as a crutch. once you graduate high school, you have free reign. your life is in your hands. a smart person would use that opportunity to apply for a college AWAY from that terrible situation and focus on moving up and out. a weak person would just be content with their surroundings and melt into them because if you can't beat em, join em right?

then, you complain about being broke. tell me then how the hell you can afford to suck down 3 or 4 blunts a day on a broke budget? furthermore, if you're THAT broke, maybe you should be focusing less on getting high and more on getting a paying job. and don't you dare open your mouth to say shit about the economy and there being no jobs. nigga, McDonald's is ALWAYS hiring. you're not too good to work there either.. you're just a broke pothead anyway remember?

and since we're talking about smoking, since when has it become cool to sit around on ya ass smoking weed all day when you a) are broke and don't even have a pot to piss in and b) supposedly have all these dreams and aspirations that you're trying to achieve? in what world does that make sense in? i've heard people say, "well, smoking isn't a big deal cuz i don't pay for my weed anyway." well wtf, doesn't that tell you something? if you can't afford it then ya ass don't need it. seriously.

it's ridiculous people. stop blaming your lack of success on everything and everybody else. point the finger at yourself. if you can find the strength to do that then maybe, just maybe you can begin to find the strength to make a change. you're a big girl/boy now.. time to stop hiding under your umbrella of excuses and start taking charge of your life.

"excuses are tools of incompetence used to build monuments of nothingness and those who specilize in the uses seldom achieve anything."

and that's the realest shit i never wrote.